My Spirit is Obese
Dear God, I don’t want to be fat anymore
How am I supposed to help people when I can’t seem to help myself?
This deep belief and feeling of unworthiness pervades my life and I am soooo over it!
Today as I walked over to my Dad’s place, my hot neighbor who I hadn’t seen in over a month, said “HI” …” You’re back”…”Where did you go again?”…
”Bali", I replied, it was amazing.”
"You look…different” he replied…” I don’t know what it is but yeah you look…”
“Fat” I replied…”I am 15 pounds heavier right now. I stopped taking my ADHD meds 5 months ago, I gained weight…”
“Oh, he replied” … “I was wondering, I thought Oh maybe you were pregnant or something, because yeah you used to be skinny and ripped”.
“No, not pregnant” I replied feeling my face flush with shame and humiliation, bringing me right back in time to after my senior year of high school when I was at a kickboxing class and this lady asked me afterwards if I was pregnant. "Nope", I replied, "just fat".
She tried to make it better by replying, "oh we’re trying to conceive so I guess babies were just on my mind," but the damage had already been done.
My whole life I felt fat, even when I weighed 104 pounds and had 17% body fat, I have never truly loved this body and therefore never truly loved myself. I thought I was free from the torture of actually having to experience being fat after I was diagnosed with ADHD as an adult and prescribed Dexedrine, a stimulant medication. While I grew up holistically, and sans Western medicine, I embraced this medication because for the first time in my life I felt “normal”. I also had been struggling with bulimia and over exercising for 8 years. When I started the meds, I healed my eating disorder. All of a sudden, I was able to make the cognizant awareness that when I overate and experienced fullness, I was prone to purging. I stopped overeating and anytime it happened, I was able to just be aware of the fullness and choose not to purge. CHOICE, that is what this drug made possible. My brain finally felt on board with my spirit. It makes me cry to think that a pharmaceutical drug had that much power. Now 5 months without it I feel confused. Do I have to accept a bigger body that feels sluggish and heavy just because I was born with a brain that produces less dopamine than others? This is something I refuse to accept.
My spiritual Ego tells me to “surrender”, but surrender seems to have brought me here. Fat depressed and unhappy with this vessel I came in. When I took Dexedrine, I experienced what it was like to live in a body that suited me. The outside finally felt like it matched the inside. I was finally able to stay consistent with my workouts, so that I never needed to over work or take too much time off. I was balanced in my body. It was easy to stick with eating in a way that worked for me, lots of veggies, lean protein and chocolate daily. I felt free, like I could eat whatever to wanted and have the body of my dreams. That was the overarching feeling, despite the fact that I still criticized my body and still thought I looked fat in photos, deep down I knew I wasn’t fat and that I had a great body. I felt sexy and in sync with my soul.
Now while this drug was like a miracle for me, it did have a dark side. I never really enjoyed my body, in fact I don’t even have one photo of me in a bikini or at the beach or even in tight clothes from that time period. A side effect of the drug for me became an obsession with my skin and more specifically picking at it. For the time I took Dexedrine I also had dermatillomania (it got so bad that I even enrolled in a group therapy program at the OCD center of Los Angeles). My body and face are filled with scars from the damaged I did to myself. Some days were so bad that I would wake up, meditate and then see something to pick in the bathroom mirror and hours would go by and I never left the bathroom. On one particularly bad day I spent over 8 hours glued to a spot on my forehead in between my eyebrows. I would pick my skin until it bled and then sometimes I would dig further with a needle. I used to have to wear Band-Aids on my face and a few times my doctor administered intravenous antibiotics so my wounds wouldn’t get infected…yeah it was bad.
Yet at the time, my psychiatrist and truthfully even I didn’t feel that the medication was to blame. I like with everything else in my life thought it was my fault. Just like this excess weight, I am responsible, everything is always my fault. I obviously eat too much or why can’t I get stricter about the chocolate or cut out sugar all together. Why can’t I just fast for 14 days straight until I am skinny again? Why can’t I control this? What is wrong with me??????
I don’t have an answer, so I am writing and a part of me knows that the solution is not outside of me, but another side effect of no longer having my ADHD meds is my connection to divinity, my angelic hotline feels like it disappeared. My mind can’t seem to focus enough to remember I have all these spiritual tools and energetic solutions. I feel lost like I don’t know how much to focus on the food, the exercise, how strict or not strict to be, and how much of the inner work also needs to be done. After the humiliation that was so profoundly placed on my path for healing today, I don’t know what to do. So, I am writing, I am praying, and I am asking God, the Goddess, my guides and Angels to HELPPPPP!!!!!! I give this all up to you, I don’t want to struggle with this anymore. I want to feel worthy of love, I want to feel beautiful and sexy. I want to experience life in a body that feels aligned with the light. Please god give me a solution so that I may serve those who are suffering like I am. For all those women and girls who are humiliated or made fun of because their body may not be perfect, who may be struggling with something deeper than the physical and who are ready to be free. To embrace their femininity. To be and feel sexy and allow Love to permeate their entire being. I am ready to be free!!! I am ready to LOVE all of me!
So now standing here in front of this man I have made out with, and desired at one point to date, I stood in my center and replied honestly and vulnerably…”No, Not pregnant, just fatter since I stopped taking my ADHD meds” “It sucks, it happened really fast, I am not used to my body looking like this and I don’t like people seeing me” “This moment right here is one of my greatest fears, running into a guy who used to view me as sexy and hot, seeing my body like this” I told him in an act of full transparency. He apologized. I said “it’s not your fault, it’s obviously perfect that this happened and thank you for playing this part.” We then talked about embracing the moment, accepting what the Universe has laid before us and also trusting that nothing is permanent, that things fluctuate and flow and everything changes. That this is what it is, and it doesn’t have to mean anything if I don’t make it mean something. I can still choose to feel good regardless of what the external shows me. This is the only true power I have. My frequency and vibration is up to me. It’s funny how tiny I want my body to be, yet my energy demands to be seen, to be huge, my soul is obese, spilling over with love and joy, lighting up an entire city, yet I don’t tell her she’s fat, she’s perfect. I only seem to reserve judgment for my body.
When my neighbor and I parted ways, I gave him a hug and he looked at me again and said, “You are different. Like you seem more grounded, more calm and more centered. I replied “I think I just feel like myself, like I feel centered in who I really am”…he replied yeah that’s it. “You seem like you.”